A Voice of Reason: Sane Views for a Crazy World

May 1, 2007

Contracts and Finding Out Who you are

Filed under: Adoption,children,Culture,Family — avoiceofreason @ 1:15 am

As you, my loyal readers know, my wife is an adoptee, and this causes her no small amount of angst, although sometimes I forget about this.  However, lately she’s been pretty good of making me remember.

In any case, for years she’s been trying to go through the hoops of the “system”, and quite a system it is, to find out the “non-identifying” information about her birth mother.   I’m sure that the information such as her mother’s country of origin, overall helath, date at the time of my wife’s birth and other non-identifying information is important, and I feel she has the right to know about this taken for granted information without going through the hoops and shelling out some righteous bucks, all for nothing mind you.   However, all of this is just smoke and mirrors for what she really wants.  She wants a name, and she wants to make contact.

I can understand her need to know.  She already has the name of a reportedly superior investigation service, that has a success only payment option.  They are also rather successful, and while I adopt my most innocent look as I type, one must wonder how they can be successful where others fail.  Perhaps the fees that are paid, well, go to “expenses”.  Regardless, I’ve told my lovely bride for years she should see if Rockford or Magnum P.I. are available for some small time contract work, but she’s always resisted, and tonight I found out why.

She has hemmed and hawed about the price, and it’s not cheap, but I’ve always had a utilitarian view about money.  She’s mentioned this as long as we’ve been together, and from the start I’ve said she should do it, and not worry about the money.  My feeling is, “in the course of a lifetime what does the XXXX really matter?  Would you pay $10 a day for the ten years since you let me in on your need for this; she would, so she needs to do this.  Again, I can understand her need to do this.

I have a large family and love/loathe the family gatherings.  I loathe the idea of them before I go, but usually am very glad that I’ve done so.  My wife has always been a bit reticent about these gatherings, and stupid me, I buy her line when she says she is shy, which is part of the story.  However, there’s another hidden story that is out there, and I was just too dense to see it.  I guess that’s easy to do when you forget that everyone has their own agenda, and that’s not inherently a bad thing.  I kind of woke up to the idea that these meetings where I am surrounded by my family are painful to the contrast that she has that while she has a family from those whom she was enjoined too, there is a whole other world of people who share her makeup and a biological history, which she has a strong need to feel connected with.  It’s only taken about ten years, but I think I get it.

I don’t know what will happen.  This investigation is a risky venture.  There is that possibility that the birth mother will be dead, and there will be no next of kin.  There is a possibility that the same is true, and the next of kin is disinterested, after all, it’s not as if they “knew” about her, and this could be viewed as an intrusion.  There is also a possibility, and this is the one that holds her back, that her birth mother is out there, and isn’t interested.  That’s about a 5% chance she tells me, which seems like pretty good odds, but the potential pain that could be caused by this rejection are a very real fear for her.

I pray, and not for my sake, but for this beautiful, kind, and wounded woman’s sake, that she is successful, and welcomed.  I hope you all will wish the same and offer kind thoughts and prayers towards that end.



  1. I will pray for her right now. It is great she has a supportive husband that won’t worry abou the money. I hope that she finds the answers she wants.

    Comment by mommyzabs — May 1, 2007 @ 1:53 am | Reply

  2. Well it’s not cheap – somewhere between a really nice vacation and a cheap new car. In the course of a lifetime it’s a cup of coffee at 7-11 a day.

    Comment by avoiceofreason — May 1, 2007 @ 2:03 am | Reply

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