A Voice of Reason: Sane Views for a Crazy World

May 28, 2007

Skeleton in the Closet

Filed under: Adoption,blogging,children,Culture,Family — avoiceofreason @ 6:36 am

I’ve been away from blogging for a bit.  There are a few reasons for this.  I tend to run in streaks and I think that the reality of bloggins is coming to me.

I’m not likely going to change and frame public opinion out there.  All I can probably hope to do is to figure things out for myself and maybe open up a debate about issues.  Lately, I’ve not been in the mood for a debate.  I’ve been a bit preoccupied with my own sort of vision quest.

As regular readers of this blog know, my wife is an adoptee.  I understand a bit of her pain, but will never fully get it as I am a “normal kid” and she’s one of the others.  However, her quest for finding her family has lead me to also shake around in the hidden and closed closets of my own life.  There were a few alleged skeltons lurking around in my own family background, and  I guess I ventured into that world.

The past week or so I’ve been living in the past, my families past.  I wanted to find out about my families’ past and managed to do just that, finding out a good deal more than I probably thought I’d know.  I also rattled the skeltons, and probably have upset a few lives. I don’t know if that was good, but I had to do something, and I’m going to blame my wife on this one, even though what I did ends up hurting her a bit.

Okay, time to open up the closet and let you all know my families’ dirty little secret.  Secrets suck, and we usually put them in closets because we don’t like looking at them everyday.  We just figure that they’ll die and go away.  Here’s my family’s dirty little secret; my father never really knew his father.

The story that he was told by his mother and her family was that his father was a dirty rotten so and so that upped and left one day leaving him and my grandmother high and dry.  The reality is that one day my grandmother – and I still love her – but I will confess this makes it a bit hard – took my dad for a walk from their home in one part of Queens to her mother’s house in another part of Queens.  So what you may think, a walk in the spring.  Hardly.  She never went back to the other part of Queens and wouldn’t allow my grandfather to see his son again.  That’s when the lies came in to hide the dirty little secret.  In the end it hurt everyone involved, but mostly my dad, and I am sure my grandfather.

My dad was wounded by this.  I can’t even begin to think what he went through, but the concept must have been, “What’s wrong with me that you would leave me and not come back”.  Funny how we let lies made by others to rule our lives.  He also had to deal with the anger of being abandoned, not once, but then later on when my grandmother remarried, my dad was packed up again, back to his grandmother’s house where he spent the rest of his youth while my grandmother and her new husband lived together, soon joined by their own child.  Like I said, Grandma, I love you, but that was pretty F’d up x 2.

However, I found my father’s family.  My grandfather died in 1992 at the age of 82.  All of his brothers died, and all of their wives.  But I’ve found my father’s generation.

Many emotions.  I’ve opened up a closet, and it had skeletons in it.  This won’t be over, but it’s 2:30 AM, so I have to get some sleep.  We have a family reunion, and while my digging has opened up skeletons, it’s also opened up wounds.



  1. Thanks for sharing that, Voice. How tragic for all involved that they couldn’t find a way around it.

    I was adopted but never had a big desire to find my birth family. For one reason, I was too lazy and cheap to do a search and for another I knew that as much as my parents would “support” such an endeavor that it would hurt them. I also know a lot of stories don’t have happy endings. For all I know my birth-mom could have been a victim of incest or rape.

    A few years back I did let the adoption group I came from know that IF my birth-mom was seeking me that I’d consider it. That’s as far as I wanted to go. I figure if she wanted to get in contact I would. If she isn’t a Christian I’d want the opportunity to share the Gospel with her.

    No word so far. I hardly ever think about adoption until someone brings it up.

    Comment by Neil — May 28, 2007 @ 12:45 pm | Reply

  2. I know that this had to be so hard, and will probalby continue to be for a bit. But I think that no good is usually done by secrets and it is probably healthy for truth to be out and worked through (that is my theory at least!). I will pray for you today as you are on your search. I’ll also pray for your wife as she looks for her birth mother.

    Comment by mommyzabs — May 28, 2007 @ 7:41 pm | Reply

  3. The wounds will heal in time my friend……..patience.

    Comment by Angel — May 30, 2007 @ 2:31 am | Reply

  4. Good post; sounds like a lot of soul searching is going down on your end. Hope to see you back blogging soon.

    Comment by Roland Dodds — May 30, 2007 @ 6:40 pm | Reply

  5. I appreciate your courage in sharing this–it’s hard enough to face family stuff on one’s own, but sharing it with supportive people hopefully will aid you in coming to terms with it.
    I think all families have something dark lurking–or at least, most do. But it’s so humbling when you realize your own family is no different. It’s also humbling–well, at least it has been to me–to realize that very fine people make major mistakes, and that I too could one day disappoint a loved one just as tremendously. But all these unpleasant emotions, if faced, are what make us better people in the end. Hang in there and see it through!

    Comment by lewdandlascivious — May 30, 2007 @ 9:42 pm | Reply

  6. Most of us are extremely fortunate when our generations going back to our grandparents are “fairly or somewhat normal.” Seldom, though do you find their siblings all to be “fairly normal.” I’ll be praying that Mrs. Voice finds family, if it’s meant to be, and that both of you can be at peace about it all.

    Maggie’s Notebook

    Comment by Maggie M. Thornton — June 2, 2007 @ 2:09 am | Reply

  7. My family’s not so secret secret. My biological grandfather was shot by his mistress allegedly in self-defense.

    Comment by totaltransformation — June 7, 2007 @ 1:29 pm | Reply

  8. http://pressposts.com/Education/Skeleton-in-Closet/

    Submited post on PressPosts.com – “Skeleton in the Closet”

    Trackback by PressPosts / User / chaosn / Submitted — June 7, 2007 @ 5:30 pm | Reply

  9. You know how one blog leads to another to another and so on..and that is how i came upon yours
    I am so sorry for your Dad having his own mother do that to him, denying him to know his father like that for her own issues with him

    Family Skeletons always hurt those left behind

    (((I’m sorry)))

    Comment by Jane — June 21, 2008 @ 2:51 am | Reply

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