I’m not sure if this should be categorized under the “Momentary Lapse of Reason” section, but we’ll see.
I have a new vision of America – not of one spreading democracy throughout the world – not of one that gives a rat’s rearend about the problems of Darfour, Baghdad, Rwanda, Somalia or anywhere else outside the Western Hemisphere.
To those in Europe who are having problems with Jihadism creeping into their borders, well it’s your problem, not ours. UK, it’s been a good relationship. Ever since that War of Independence and War of 1812 thing, you’ve been about our best friends, but all things must end. France, thanks for the help in the Revolution and for the statue. We’ve paid it back in spades two times. So, you can take your superior attitude, cuisine – we got most of your good recipes now – and your wine since what we grow is as good, and everything else you possess, including your sanctimonious attitude and be left alone. You won’t have us to kick around anymore, or to bail you out when your friendly German neighbors start acting – well – German. Russia, hey, it’s been nice to be all pal like with you, but in honesty, it was a bit less complicated, albeit scarier when we didn’t like you. Historically, you’re a a backwards people, hate to break the news to you, have always been a backwards people, and other than your vodka, and well 0kay, some of your women are babes – we won’t miss dealing with you that much. You and China can duke it out if you wish. So, Europe, here’s the new US foreign policy to you, F*** you.
To Africa – we’re truly sorry about the spread of the AIDS virus, and what it is doing to your continent, but alas, you are also on your own. No, we’re not going to be moved by some video from a cable news show depicting how bad life is for you all down there. Honestly, we don’t care. We have our own crap to deal with, and a lot of money that we’re spending on your health care issues, we could be spending on our own people, and developing our own cures, which we’ll keep to ourselves. We really don’t need anymore people selling ripoffs of $10000 handbags in Times Square, so stop queing up to come on in. We don’t need you, and we don’t feel sorry for you. So, Africa, and we’ll send this in a special delivery memo to our buddy in the UN Koffi; this is the new US policy to Africa, F*** You.
Asia – China you’re doing great, and we’re going to cede you economic domination of this region. It’s really what you wanted. Taiwan, Korea, F*** You. Sorry that you have about 1.4 billion people with a government that has a slightly negative attitude about your existence, but you see, it’s really not our problem. Hey, we’ve propped up your economies long enough, and we can use good ole US ingenuity to make the stuff you make and figure out a way to make it cheap while providing labor with a decent age. One word of advice, you have the nukes, use em. India – we may make an exception for you if you send us a LOT of your women, because, Indian woman are just plain sexy, and well American women are a bit too complicated now that the ERA may pass again, so how about we make an exception just for you, that in exhcange for one million women – aged 18 to 25 – we keep sending you cheap laptops so your kids can run our kids into the educational dirt in say the next 20 to 30 years. Deal? Good! Oh, and if you can’t read between the lines, this is our message to you who live in Asia, F*** You.
To that wonderful region known as the Middle East – Thanks for the oil, we’ll figure out a way to fuel our own cars and heat our own homes, but you’re all on your own, including Israel. Nothing personal, but your problems, are just that, your problems. Iran, you got away with it with us in 79, and you know what, you win. Hell, do what you want to do in your region. Of course Israel will make sure that mushroom clouds are appearing in the suburbs of Tehran, sooner or later, Hey, once you are almost annhilated as a race not once, but twice if you count the Diaspora, you get a little touchy about those who question your right to exist. However, for now, you are the boss man of da’ Middle East. Because another big F you goes to Iraq. We’re really sorry about all the confusion we caused when we removed Big Daddy Sadaam from you, but we have no doubt that once we pull out the stakes from our pup tents, you’ll manage to find an even worse SOB (maybe SOC for camel would be a better term) to make your wonderfully enlightened and peace loving population have a new boot permanently implanted about your neck. To the Kurds, well, sometimes life just plain sucks, so you’re on your own, and best of luck to you, honest. Which brings us to Israel. We respect you, and we wish you well and good luck. You’re gonna need it, but we’re sorry, cause no more Uncle Samuel to be a big cop lurking in the background. Think of the bright side, God is on your side. So, good night good luck and God bless. Mazeltov! So Middle East, we unveil our new foreign policy towards you, it is a new salute, middle finger approriately raised aloft, as we say in unity, F*** You.
Which now brings us to our own little hemisphere. Canada, our friendly neighbor to the North. You really are kind of like a cousin, one that you like, but think is kind of strange, yeah , we know you feel the same. Well, we’re going to have a BIG job for us to work on cooperatively. It’s called a wall. You see, we really don’t need you, and like relatives, you kind of piss us off, and that wears thin on the relationship. It’s nice to see you around the holidays in short doses. So, a nice big wall will do nicely, and we’ll have the Alaskan version to work on to. Your sanctimonious attitude towards our health care program, or lack of one, will be fixed. We’re gonna be saving a lot of money by not dabbling in other people’s business, and besides, your hockey teams are usually better than ours, so you can have the CHL and we’ll have the AHL. We’ll still send you Christmas cards, okay.
Mexico, yes we know you like us so much you are just pouring in. Sadly, the southern version of the 21st Century Great Wall will keep you on your side and us on our side. We don’t need your goods to fill our dollar stores, because we deported all the illegals from the Middle East that own them. Come to think of it, paying $2.99 for a box of Fruit Loops while it is more expensive than paying $1 for Juan’s Fruity Luepos is a small price to compensate for the megabucks we end up spending on those who scamper across our borders everyday. So, hosta la vista, and we “are” truly sorry for that Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California controversy, but be big about it and let bygones be bygones, and oh, F*** you.
Of course this is all silly. I mean what would our idiots on parade have to protest about. Oh, it would be about the calloused lack of sympathy of the evil and greedy Americans, who “care so little about the rest of the world” (you must pronounce your “L” and “R’s” as “W’s” there, not that the idiots like “W” that much, but it does sound so much like the Elmer Fudd babel they typically produce). Well, don’t worry idiots, we’re going to send you to the country you protested in favor for the most. So, if you wanted to cry (please remember the “W” rule, it’s still in effect) for the poor Mexicans, don’t feel too bad, say “hola” to your new home. Now, just fill in the blank for the bastion of decency you wish to emigrate to. You’ll be happy, we’ll certainly be happy, and I”m sure your new neighbors will just adore you. And, Oh, we didn’t want to leave you, of all people out, so, F*** you.
Of course this new isolationisms policy of F*** you will also apply to our new domestic policy. We do like to be consistent.
So, if you are in the middle of Cowdung Arkansas and need a billion here or there for some soybean hybrid experiment, F*** you.
If you are applying for “artistic grant money” so you can put an American flag, a copy of the Declaration of Independence, and The Constitution and cover it with smearings of dung from some crack heads and heroin junkies who suffer the opression of a cruel system and thus offer their valid protest. Your grant will be returned with this on the heading: F*** You.
To those who want some extra money spend on Social Security so Grandma can have both her medicine and her grocery bags filled with the finest cat and dog food, well…. F*** You.
Ahh, this is just the start of it. Wouldn’t Isolationism be grand?
I guess this was a momentary lapse of reason.
A Voice of Reason: Sane Views for a Crazy World 